


All or Nothing

by triskele_93



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, brendan brady's past abuse, ste hay needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triskele_93/pseuds/triskele_93
Summary: When Ste gives Brendan an ultimatum, he has to make a difficult decision about the future of their relationship.....
Relationships: Brendan Brady/Ste Hay, Doug Carter/Ste Hay
Kudos: 1





	All or Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Brought over from fanfiction.net because I'm deleting my profile over there. Also, I think this might be the very first piece of fanfic I ever wrote? How awkward! But I did want to keep it, for posterity, so here it is.

He's given you an ultimatum. He might not have said so, but you're not stupid. You know exactly what he means. You have to give him everything,or he's out of the door. Your heart is pounding within your chest. It's a wonder he can't see it really. You're staring at him, something he's always hated you doing. But he's staring back at you now, his eyes bright and unwavering. You can remember a time when they contained a flicker of fear, but that time has long passed now. He's stronger now, perhaps he always has been. He stood up to you before, but you could always beat him back down. You wince internally, trying hard to keep your composure. Surely, with everything you know now, you could have picked a better word than that? You let out a puff of air, to take the attention away from the fact that you have been completely floored by his demand.

_"Give me a reason to stay." ___

__It would be so easy, to take him in your arms, to hold him, to kiss him, to pull him into your empty office and claim him, but something holds you back. And this time, it isn't a phantom fear at the back of your mind, a constant threat looming over everything you do. No, it's much more of a physical thing now, and it even has a name._ _

__Douglas._ _

You glance around the empty club, moving your eyes away from the vision before you. You know that you're back at square one, where you found yourself two years ago. Christ, has it really been two years? So much has changed in that time, you've finally accepted what you have known about yourself for a long time. He's opened a business, gotten married...You swallow and realise you've been silent for far too long, he's starting to fidget in that way he does when he knows he's stepped over one of your invisible boundaries. And suddenly your hand is reaching out to his face, hope entering his eyes while a plan forms in your mind. You cup his face gently and begin to close the gap between you. Your eyes flutter shut as your lips touch and you are home.

When you were with Eileen, you thought that home was in Dublin, with her and the boys. But when that fell apart, home became wherever Cheryl was. Hollyoaks, with all its characters and stories became your home. Two years ago, you would have laughed at the idea, but it was true. Except now you realise that it's nothing more than an address, a roof and four walls. Because home for you is wherever you are that means you can kiss these lips. You know that you can't, that this has to stop, but you hold on just for a bit longer, eager to preserve this moment in your memory, especially for those moments when you will remember that he hates you. Eventually, you pull away and look back into his face. His eyes are still closed, but there's a smile on his face. You school your features into a mask that he knows only too well, shrugging on that old persona like a winter coat.

_"Steven, look at me." ___

He does then, and his eyes are reflecting the hope you know that he feels, and you feel your heart shatter into a million pieces at the knowledge of what you are about to do. You could have it all, or you could have nothing. He smiles at you, and your hand reaches out again, but this time not to caress. Your fist makes contact with his face before you are fully aware of what is happening, but then he is sprawled on the floor at your feet, shock evident on his perfect face. He opens his mouth to speak but stops himself. He picks himself up from the floor and you have to force yourself to keep looking at him. Almost absently, you realise that is nose is bleeding, and you have to stop yourself from reaching out to wipe it away, not that he would let you now. He shakes his head at you, then turns and practically runs out of the club. You stare after him and as soon as you hear the door slam shut behind him, your mask slips and then falls away completely. You slump down on the bar stool behind you, dropping your head into your hands as to try to wipe the image of his face from your mind. 

Instead, your brain chooses to focus on sounds. Voices come floating back to you as though through bad radio reception. 

_"You're a monster!" _Oh god, how will you explain this to Cheryl?__

_"You wouldn't say boo to a goose." _Really, Nana Flo? Then what would you call this?__

_"He called you a 'murdering queer'!" _Oh how right they were, Deccie!__

_"What are ye a pansy now? A queer? I'll beat that out of ye, kid!" _You can't hurt me now, Da. I'm doing a good job of that myself now.__

________Then one voice, clearer than all of the rest, makes itself heard in your head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_"Give me a reason to stay." ___

__________The tears start then. You don't care that somebody could walk into the club now, because the one person you need to walk in, is never coming back. You could have had it all, or you could have nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________You chose nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
